February must be a bad month for blogging.

I am absolutely swamped. I'm way in over my head at school. I need to take time off work to study more, but I'm actually already not working enough to pay the bills. I'm under a ton of stress, and it's affecting me both mentally and physically now. I'm a step slow at work, I'm not getting the studying done that I need to, and even when I do I could do better. I can't afford to get through this semester with C's, and if I keep taking things to give me energy and/or keep me awake, my head is going to explode. I'm experiencing tightness in my chest on occasion, I'm sometimes short of breathe, I get these sharp pains at the bottom of ribs on either side, my back hurts, my neck hurts, my shoulders hurt, and the Saturday before Valentine's Day I couldn't really carry anything with my left arm for about 3 hours. I'm getting too old for this shit.

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

"What's your favorite subject?
Poetry
Really? Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow."

Today was the first day of the spring semester for me. Of course, knowing that it was the first day and my first class started at 8:00 a.m., what do you think I did last night? That's right, after work I went to Kelly's for what was supposed to be "a beer" and what actually turned into 5 beers, 2 shots of Jameson, and not getting home until 2:30. Bah, it was the first day. It's nice to unwind once in awhile, and at least I didn't get drunk. Hey, they had $1.99 Amber Bocks. How could I say no? :)

"Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out. Then bring one every ten minutes."

I do have homework after the first day. Who does that? I want the deal my kids have: no homework on the weekends. I'm sure I'd get by just fime with that set-up........

"Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing."


By the way, my new favorite thing ever:



I hate Taco Bell. I never eat there, but these are a revelation. Combined with a caramel apple empanada they make for quite a tasty treat. In fact, I'm eating some now!

The grades are in......

Two A's, a B and a W. GPA is 3.818

I'll take it. Not a bad start. Good job me.

I'm glad it's done, because I'm done.

The semester is over, and while I could have done better, I'm pretty pleased with the way it went. It was a pretty tough semester, because it's been awhile since I took a full load of real classes. My brain was fried by the end. I definitely coasted home on fumes, but I felt an overwhelming sense of relief when I finished up my chemistry exam this morning. We'll see in a few days if my feelings are validated by my actual grades. I'm looking forward to next semester.

The last three days the rain was unstoppable

Sometimes, like when I wonder where I'm going to get the money to pay for this house I live in, I wonder why I'm still kidding myself. It's clearly not meant to be, right? Every time I see my schedule and I'm working 2 days, I decide it's time to give up; to take the safe route.

I look at myself sometimes and wonder, at 29, what have I really done? Am I ever going to do anything? Then there are times I feel that I'm still young; I have plenty of time to do this and then organize the chaos that is my life.

Everytime I make school a priority, everything else falls apart, and I go right back to the job I hate the most. I should just do it again and be happy.

Not this time. I'm not backing down. I'm not quitting. I've sacrificed too much: time, money, relationships. It's not just about me, either. Others have sacrificed just as much, and it's not going to end like this. I'm not who I can be yet. I'm not where I want to be yet. I'm not going back.

Fuck you. I can do it.

Those who forget the past...........

So, I left my last job on May 7. It was easy, and the money was pretty good, but the hours sucked and hated doing it. I was going to leave anyway, but personal circumstances caused me to quit a week or two before I wanted. No big deal; I had been looking anyway.

I took the next week off to take care of some stuff, and then my son's birthday was that weekend. After that, on the 14th, I hit the job search again full speed. I submitted my resume for a job I really wanted. The hours were good; I'd see my boys more and be able to go back to school. That is the ultimate goal anyway: to finish my degree. I'm 29 now, and I need to get it done. The moey was good, and the benefits were great. I got called for an interview, got a second interview, and then nothing. about two weeks later I got a standard auto-email for those who aren't hired. Great, a week wasted.

So, since I didn't get that job for whatever reason, I back to waiting tables. At 29, that's not where I had envisioned myself. I've been in training two weeks at The Cheesecake Factory, and still haven't made a dime. I won't get to until Monday, either.

I'm not sure how long I've been stuck in this same circle, but it's longer than I can remember. Things go okay for awhile, then something happens and I take a step or two back. Sometimes it's money, sometimes it's school, sometimes it's work. Everytime the circle comes around again, the good seems to get a little better. I make more money, I get good grades, whatever. I'm living a great house now, and out of an apartment or townhouse for the first time in my adult life. The bad, however, always gets worse. I hated my job; absolutely hated it. I was miserable, and I knew being a restaurant manager was not what I wanted to retire doing. I made this decision before, and it didn't turn out well, but once again the time looked right to get out and go back to school.

Money was already tight, and I expected to have a job much sooner than this. Now, I haven't been paid since May 16. I'm not sure what I need to change to break this pattern. I think about it everyday, and I have no idea what to do. Sometimes I wake up pissed off, mostly because I woke up (that goes away when the kids are around, but always manages to creep back in). I will be starting school in August, but who knows how that will go? The odds are pretty good that I'm either going to fail my classes or go broke. Then I'm just going to have to leave school and go right back into restaurant management. Maybe I should just accept my fate; condemned to the only thing I've ever done.

Anyway, I'm really screwed at the moment. I'll probably be homeless very soon..............again.