Ramblings, rants, ravings, and rhetoric: April 2008

Yes, I've done something like this before. Yes, I'm aware that there's virtually no chance that this is read by the people that need to read it. Every now and then, though, I just need to get some shit off my chest. I've been in this business for 13 years, and even though I'm working hard to get out, I will always have a soft spot for the restaurant business. I'm not getting out because it's not good money, and I don't want out because I hate the business itself. I'm getting out because I'm sick of dealing with the largely ignorant public as a whole. Now, I know I had a choice here. I chose to work at a well-known chain restaurant, as opposed to a 4-star local place, because I know that in southeastern Virginia, your best bet to make money is quantity over quality, because such quality is just too few and far between here.

First, this isn't going to focus on tipping, or the lack thereof. I know some people are just plain cheap. I know I'm going to get shitty tips that I do not deserve. This is no longer a big deal to me, because I'm very good at what I do, and I'll make my money in the end. It's all of the other dumb shit you do that really gets to me.

Let's start at the front door. You walk into a busy restaurant: let's say, just as an example, The Cheesecake Factory. You get to the front desk and they tell you it will be a 45-60 minute wait. At this point, you have a choice: (a)you can choose to wait up to an hour just to get a table, or (b)you can carry your ass somewhere else. Most of you, for one inexplicable reason or another, will choose to wait. That's fine by me, because the more people we pack into the restaurant, the more money I'm going to make. Since I can count on about 25% of you tipping me 10% or less, and to round up all the cattle I can. Now, remember, they told you that you might wait 60 minutes for a table. When your pager goes off 55 minutes later, don't come to my table with a fucking attitude about how long you waited. Sure, most restaurants don't know how to quote a wait. We do. Get over it. You made that bed when you took the pager.

Now that you have a table and you're settled in, it's time for the dining experience to begin. I will be at your table in one minute or less, so please make sure you're ready. I don't mean that you should know what you want to eat, but you should be ready to give me your attention and the respect I deserve as the person who is now in charge of orchestrating your dining experience for the remainder of the evening. Start by hanging up your damn phone. If the conversation is that important, chances are you shouldn't be out eating. Being on the phone is a sure-fire way to piss me off right from the get go, and I'm going to be less inclined to go out of way to provide you with an over-the-top fantastic dining experience. You're already one strike on the hole.

Next, when I speak to you, look me in the eye. Don't stare at the table when you talk. Don't mumble. If you can't look at me and speak clearly, don't get mad at me when your order comes out wrong. This is another strike against you. This doesn't mean I'm going to intentionally ruin your experience. Again, I'm just not going out of way to make it special for you. If you do this because you have some sort of social anxiety disorder, then Pizza Hut let's you order online.

I am a server, but I am not not your servant. Do not talk down to me. I wait tables to pay my bills while I'm in school. I'm majoring in aerospace engineering and mathematics, with a minor in physics, and that's because I don't want to be a doctor or a lawyer or any number of other jobs I'm more than capable of doing. My IQ is high enough for me to join Mensa. There's a 90-95% chance that I'm a hell of a lot smarter than you, so don't talk down to me just because you're paying. The point is, you have no idea why your server has chosen to wait tables, and you are no better than they are. Treat them with the same respect that you think you deserve.

On that note, I introduce myself for a reason. My name is David. Use it. Don't call me "excuse me: and for Christ's sake don't call me "sir".

Some other things you should never, ever do upon sitting down and being greeted by your server:

1. DO NOT pull out your money clip and place it on the table or start counting it in front of me. At this point, I know you have no intention of leaving a good tip, and the odds are good you won't tip me at all. I've been in this business a long time, and that is a sure sign that you are an intentionally shitty tipper. You know the saying 'You get what you pay for?' You might not want to let me know what you intend to pay for right off hand, because that's exactly what I'll give you. You just slipped to the very bottom of my priority list, and all of my other guests will get what they need first.

2. DO NOT bring those stupid powder packets that you can add to your water to make lemonade or fruit punch. If you don't want plain water, and you don't want to pay for a drink, please don't come to a restaurant like the Cheesecake Factory. While we're certainly not 5-star, we aren't Denny's either. Have some class. Just like Money Clip Guy, you've now told me I cannot expect to make much money here, and you've slipped on the priority list.

3. DO NOT interrupt me. EVER. When I come over to introduce myself and I ask how you are or some other such greeting, don't stop me in the middle to order a sweet tea. This goes back to the respect issue, and treating people the way you like to be treated. I probably have some things I need to tell you because the restaurant makes me, and there are some other things I'm going to add in because my job is to give you the best possible experience I can. Don't interrupt or I won't care if you have a good time or not, and you just became the last asshole in my section to get a drink refill.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, it's time to get down to business. Hopefully you've avoided all of the above no-nos, but you are not in the clear yet. I've brought your drinks and you've had a few minutes to look at the menu. I've given a couple of quick suggestions. If you still need a few minutes to decide, great. I'll be happy to make some more suggestions, tell you about certain dishes, and help you narrow down a few choices. That's part of what I do to make sure you get exactly what you want. If you still need to look, that's fine too, but I'm going to walk away and tend to the other 3 (at least) parties of guests that I'm taking care of. DO NOT tell me that you're ready to order and then spend 5 more minutes looking while I stand table-side waiting. This will piss me off, and it will ensure that you now get more than enough time to decide, because I will walk away without notice for at least 5 more minutes, and I will blatantly ignore your first attempt to get my attention.

You aren't quite sure what to order, so you have a few questions. Great! I spent a lot of time learning everything I could about the 200 items on our menu so that I could adequately answer your questions. Here's the thing. You don't know shit about the food except what the menu says. I do know basically everything. If I tell you about a dish, and it doesn't sound exactly like something you want. DON'T FUCKING ORDER IT!!!! You are not at Golden Corral. You cannot just try something and send it back if you don't like it. If you want to modify a dish and I tell you it won't be good that way, take my word for it. We've already established that I'm smarter than you. If I tell you about a dish and you hesitate for even a second, I'm going to drive home just how much you WILL NOT like that dish, and if you choose to order it anyway, and it turns out that I was right about you hating it, oh well. You had more than enough information at hand to make a good choice, and you chose poorly. No immortality for you. If the kitchen screws something up, we'll pay for it. If you don't like something that I specifically told you that you wouldn't like? Well, you know what they say in Russia*. I'll box it up for you since you paid for it, and maybe the dog will eat it.

Back to the subject of getting my attention. We're a busy restaurant. I personally take care of as many as 20-30 people at one time. There will be occasions when I have many things to do at once, and you may need to get my attention. I have no problem with this, except there are right and wrong ways to go about it. When I'm on the floor, I make eye contact with each one of my guests before I go to the kitchen or the bar or wherever I have to go. If you need something, and I'm headed in the other direction, a small gesture to let me know is acceptable. I'm happy to get you what you need. Most people by now are aware that snapping your fingers might get a drink "accidentally" spilled on you, but some people don't seem to be aware that it is rude to yell at me when I'm talking to another guest at another table. Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't interrupt you when you were on your cell phone, and I didn't intentionally give you unsweet tea when you ordered sweet tea in the middle of my greeting to you, so who the hell are you to yell at me when I'm clearly speaking to someone else?

There are several other things you should and should not do during the meal:

1. If you ordered an appetizer for the table, please lend a hand when we bring it out and clear a space in the middle of the fucking table. Don't look at us like we have three heads when we stand there with the plate and nowhere to put it on the table.

2. DO NOT let your kid make a mess all over the table and floor. It's ridiculous people. Bring a toy or a bottle or whatever, but don't let the little shit throw Cheerios all over the floor. On top of being tacky, you aren't going to tip me any extra to clean up the extra mess. There is a reason The Cheesecake Factory doesn't have a kid's menu.

3. If you're thirsty, fine, but if you think I'm refilling your Diet Coke 11 times before your dinner gets to the table, you're nuts.

Okay, so I lied. It's time to talk about money. Contrary to popular belief, I know that the vast majority of the guests I take care of know that the restaurant pays me $2.13 an hour, and that I will never get a raise in my hourly pay. That means I make every dime from the guests I take care of. When you go out to eat at an upscale casual restaurant like The Cheesecake Factory, you are paying for more than food. Your check covers the food, but the tip is for the service you received. Do you get new tires for your car without paying for labor? No. By the same token, you can't get food without paying for the service, either, unless you go to McDonald's. When you don't tip, or leave me 10% of your bill or less, you've in essence stolen from me. There is never, ever any excuse to leave a tip that is less than 10% of your bill. If your service was that bad, a manager should have known about long before you got your check. I have never worked with anyone who gave service that deserved a $5 tip on a $150 check, and yet I see it all the time.

1. If your food came out cooked wrong, it's not your server's fault. Don't take it out on them.

2. If you don't like the dish, it's not your server's fault, ESPECIALLY if they told you before you ordered it that you wouldn't like it.

3. If you had a bad day and you're in a shitty mood, it's not your server's fault. They have just as many bad days as you, if not more, and they don't take it out on you.

4. If you don't have a lot money, it's not your server's fault. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to eat out. Order take out or cook at home.

I don't think I'm going to spend much more time talking about your awful tipping habits, but I hope those of you who have never worked in the food service industry understand just how far a little respect goes, because karma will get you in the end.

*Toughkie Shitskie........I don't know what it means either, but my father loved saying it to me when I was a kid.

Ramblings, rants, ravings, and rhetoric

Monday, April 28, 2008

David's Guide to Dining Out For The Socially Inept

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me

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