It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.

I'm really starting to hate old people. That's not true; I just hate old drivers. I'm getting awfully tired of having to look out for the poof of white just showing above the steering wheel of a Lincoln Aircraft Carrier.

Last night I was leaving my neighborhood and a car stalled out in the right-hand lane of N. Lynnhaven Road just before Virginia Beach Blvd. No big deal. I was two cars back, and we just manuevered over to the left lane (I suppose I could've gotten out and helped, but she had phone, and I had somewhere to be) and waited at the light. Well, behind me was an older lady in a Jetta. She was at least 65, probably a litle older. Well, it apparently doesn't occur to her that everyone in the right lane had moved around this car (a green Escort or something). It also clearly didn't occur to her that the stationary vehicle with the flashing hazard lights wasn't going to be moving, because she just continued to creep up on this girl until she plowed right into the back of her. I guess she figured, "Well, this car isn't moving, but this is the way I need to go, so fuck it. She'll move if I get close enough, right?" Which leads me to my next point:

It's only natural that when most of us get older we lose our hearing and our vision (especially peripheral) diminishes. I don't think those are the sole reasons for so many older people to be such awful drivers. No, I think a lot of people get to a certain age and just say "fuck it, I'll do what I want," like

"Well, I'm stopped here in the right lane, but I need to turn left. I don't really feel like driving up there to make a u-turn, so fuck it, I'm just going to go. Everyone else will just have to watch out."

or

"I really need to get out of this parking lot, but there are four lanes of traffic coming right now. Fuck it. They'll stop."

or

"I really need to change lanes. It's too much trouble to check my mirrors, and I can't see anything anyway, so fuck it. Everyone else should be watching."

"I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect."
-George Burns (1896-1996)


It just seems stupid to me that we can tell a 16-year old kid that they're fit to drive, hand them a little plastic card with their picture on it, and send them out to drive forever and ever. As long as you don't get caught breaking any traffic laws you can drive for the rest of your life. Not getting tickets doesn't make you a fit driver. I'm sick of dodging kids on cell phones, drunk drivers (that's another post, though), and old people who have almost zero awareness of there surroundings. Is it that we feel we are "disrespecting our elders" if their driving privileges are taken away? What's wrong with requiring regular vision and hearing screens and a road test after the age of 55? Have you earned the right to endanger my life because you've managed to stay alive for more than a half-century? I don't think so.

I think what so many people forget is that driving is an earned privilege, not a right-of-birth. I can't tell you the trouble I've been in throughout the 13 years I've been driving just because I drive a little fast, especially on deserted roads, when people who repeatedly put other drivers in danger are allowed to just keep doing it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm not a bad driver just because I've had a few tickets. I don't break any more traffic laws than the rest of you, I just get caught more. I am however, a more alert driver than most, and I am constantly aware of my surroundings when I drive (unless I'm really tired.....). You all have just been luckier. Am I being disrespectful to the generations before me? No. Sure, when you're 80 years old, maybe you've earned the right to bitch and complain and have the rest of us turn a blind eye, but I think I've earned the right to make an attempt to live to be your age without you running me off the road and into a fucking lamppost.

Not so fast

"Learning from experience is a faculty almost never practiced."
-Barbara Tuchman

On that note, I'm setting my first goal for the new year. My challenge is to never get another traffic ticket. Ever. I've definitely had more than my fair share. Now, I don't feel as though I break more traffic laws than the average person; I just get caught more. Virtually all of my tickets have been for speeding on the interstate late at night, or rolling through a stop sign when making a right turn. I'm not a reckless driver at all. I make sure I always follow a safe distance (I hate tailgaters) and I'm not a crazy lane changer. I just tend to drive a little fast when traffic is light. So, from now on, I'm just going to leave a little earlier and drive a little slower. Speeding tickets are expensive.

Speaking of speeding, I drive through a school zone while children are either arriving at or leaving school everyday. They're all 35-45 mph zones that lower to 25 when school is starting or getting out, complete with flashing lights. Everyday I slow down when the lights are flashing, and everyday some asshole speeds by me at a minimum of 40 mph. This pisses me off. Yes, it's unsafe to drive around the schools at high rates of speed, and that makes me mad, but what really angers me is that if I were the one driving through the school zone at 45 mph, that's the day a cop would be there. Why don't any of these other jerks ever get stopped!

On a side note: For those of you who don't live in Virginia, we might just have the stupidest weather in the United States. Yesterday it was 34 degrees with snow flurries. Today, it was even colder with a high of 33. Next week it's going to be in the 70s for daytime highs. That's stupid.

When You Look In the Mirror, It Says A-M-B-U-L-A-N-C-E

Holy shit people, are you all fucking stupid?!? What do you think the flashing lights and loud sirens mean? Get the fuck out of the way! Someone might be dying, and your ass is sitting there, staring at the red light, listening to the driver blare his horn, which is at least 5x louder than the sirens, for you to move out the fucking way! "But the light's red! What do I do?" Move your ass lady! I hope you're waiting for an ambulance one day when some ass is sitting at a red light and won't move. Most people at least make a half-hearted effort to slide over so the ambulance has to weave through traffic, but not you. You stick to your guns, because running a red light is illegal. You didn't notice that everyone else did what they were supposed to do when they heard the siren: they stopped and/or moved. Clear intersection. Then, when you finally get it through your head that he's honking at YOU, you ease out into the intersection. Once there however, you have no clue what to do once the ambulance has passed. Now, everyone who stopped for the ambulance has to remain stopped while you figure out that your dumbass should have just gone through the intersection once the ambulance went by. Super. I hope I don't see anyone I know in the obits tomorrow, because I memorized your license plate number.

Channeling my inner Chuck Norris

I was going to write about a completely different subject, but maybe I'll come back to that tonight. Something interesting happened to me on the way home. I had picked the kids up from the busstop and I was leaving the neighborhood when I came upon another school bus stopped in front of me, coming the opposite way. There was a car stopped in front of me, and the mailman was half-way into the street, turning right off of an adjoining street. While I'm sitting there, a white car (a Grand-Am from the late '90's, I think) pulls up behind the mailman at the stop sign. The schoolbus pulls off and the car in front and the mailman go ahead me. As I'm passing the white car, the driver decides to disregard the stop sign and try to jump ahead of me. This, of course, pisses me off because the car nearly ended up in my passenger seat. Naturally, I yell "Don't you see the stop sign stupid?!" I try very hard to refrain from cursing with the kids in the car. Anyway, at the red light leading out of the neighborhood, the white car pulls up beside me. Great, here we go. All of my windows are down, and so are all of his. The driver is a young black kid, maybe early 20's with a gold tooth and his hat turned backward. What he looks like is only significant because of what he thought it might represent to me. I could tell where this was going to go by the dialogue. He saw a white boy in the car and thought he might scare me by being tough. Anyway, here's how the conversation went verbatim(it was only 10 minutes ago):

Driver: "What did you say to me?"

Me: "I said 'Didn't you see that stop sign, stupid?'" (maybe I shouldn't have called him stupid, but I was a little steamed that he almost hit me, then stopped to question me, as though I disrespected him by yelling at him. Besides, he asked what I said, and that's what I said.)

Driver: "Yo, who do you think you're talking to?"

Me: "I'm talking to the guy who almost hit my car."

Driver: "Yo, you got a problem with me?"

Me: "I got a problem with your driving."

Now he gets out of his car. He's clearly not a threat to me, so I don't get out at this point. I think he was hoping I'd either roll up my windows and lock my doors so he could yell at me from a safe vantage point, or drive away. Sorry guy, I've had lots of black friends. Black people don't scare me. I could tell he may have started to come to this realization when he saw the brown kids in the back, because he never got closer than about 6 feet from my car.

Driver: "If you got a problem, why don't you step out of the car?"

Me: "Do you think this is cool to do in front of these kids? Are you some kind of tough guy?" Now I'm unbuckling my seat belt, and he visibly took a step back, maybe just to give me room to get out, maybe not: I don't know. "You don't want this kind of trouble, so I suggest you get back in your car before something bad happens."

He turns around as he saying "I just want to know if you have a problem with me." He looks back after he gets back around to the driver's side and gives me a dirty look before getting back in. Now, maybe it's wrong, but I got a small measure of satisfaction from his backing down. I also was surprised by two things. The first was the restraint I exhibited.

Now, I got into a few fights when I was younger, and when I'm threatened, my adrenaline runs high. I was never really cool under pressure, which is okay when you're in a fair fight with one guy. Here, I was clearly at a disadvantage, being that I was still in the car, and he was not. Ten years ago, I probably would have bolted out of the car to confront him and gotten kicked in the face before I could even get out of seat (at least that's what I would do if the situation was reversed). Also, when I'm angry, I curse alot, and that's usually when I start to lose control and my anger boils over. I have quite a temper. In this instance, however, I thought through a couple different scenarios of what I was going to do if I had to get out or he tried to get in. I guess the combination of having kids and being a restaurant manager has taught me patience and calm. Maybe that's part of getting older.

The second thing that surprised a me a little was the rage that I have inside me. I had a pretty good idea it was there, but not like this. I was just waiting, waiting for this guy to put me in a situation to defend myself. I already knew what was going to happen if he did, and it wasn't going to be pretty.

Now, I won't say I'm so angry that I'm going to go to the mall and start shooting people. It's nothing like that; however, I do on occasion wish someone would put me in a situation where I'm threatened and the law would be on my side when I pummel them. I guess it's just years and years of stress that I never talk about building up. Maybe I should take up boxing or martial arts. Actually, maybe T'ai Chi would be better.......I think this is also from having kids and being a restaurant manager.........